


The Novaks are Not a Nuclear Family

by FunnyWings



Series: Wayward Holiday Tales [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, But Alex is the one writing the transcript, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Claire's PoV, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, M/M, Meet the family project, School Project, So also Alex's POV?, Transcript of a video project, christmas day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 21:01:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8939182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FunnyWings/pseuds/FunnyWings
Summary: Claire Novak was assigned to complete a project over winter break to introduce her family to her class as a part of “getting in the holiday spirit.” She decided the best way to do this was to film everyone. Alex helped. Meet the Novaks, the Winchesters, and the Mills. Plus more! Also holiday drama.





	

Official transcript of Claire Novak’s holiday project  
Officially typed out by Alex Mills because she was bribed with candy canes.  
Officially, Alex also edited the hours of footage because she is a saint.  
Officially the transcript begins now.

*Claire’s face fills the screen. Could be worse.*

Claire: Okay, hi. Fellow Classmates. Ms. Rosen.

*awkward pause*

Claire: Okay. So the prompt for our holiday project was to “introduce you to our family in a creative way.” Right. Sorry to break it to you Ms. Rosen, but I don’t think you exactly had my family in mind when you came up with this project. You see… you know what screw it. I’ll just show you what I mean.

*Shot of Amelia Novak. Mid forties, mom jeans, and on the phone for work. Claire probably could have picked a better time to film this.*

Claire: [from behind camera] Mom? Mom?

Amelia: Claire, I’m kind of busy right… is that my camera?

Claire: I needed it for a project. All you have to do is say hi. I’m filming everyone in their natural habitat.

Amelia: Get that out of my face right now.

Claire: Just go back to your call, mom.

*Amelia gives up and starts talking again while Claire narrates.*

Claire: And here we have my mom, Amelia Novak. As a single parent with primary custody she is always working. All the time. I think she sleeps on Tuesday nights. Maybe. Oh and she goes to church. That’s pretty much everything she cares about.

Amelia: [lets out a sigh] Claire, could you please go work on your project somewhere else? This is an important phone call, okay?

Claire: Sure. I’m going over to dad’s.

Amelia: [world weary sigh] Tell James I said hello.

*Shot of Claire in front of that camera again. She’s walking along a snow covered road. As she talks she waves to people she recognizes along the way to Winchester Investigations.*

Claire: So yeah. My parents are divorced. Around the time I was nine my dad went to a business conference that talked about mindfulness. Then he got into yoga and discovered his sexuality, which… was great for him and everything, but didn’t exactly win him points with mom. Oh, but what really put the nail in the coffin of that relationship was when he joined a cult, changed his name to Castiel, and convinced himself he was really an angel. I think it was some sort of offshoot of scientology?

*brief pause*

Claire: Eh, whatever. He got better. Kept the name though. I used to be mad at him. For a long time. But hey, for a while I got two Christmases before mom and dad sort of got over hating each other, so… there’s that.

*Cuts to a shot of Winchester Investigations. Voiceover by Claire.*

Claire: So basically this is where my dad works. And lives. It’s run by these two brothers.

*Shot of Dean Winchester looking over papers. Late thirties, could be a model if he wasn’t so lame, good taste in music though.*

Claire: That’s Dean. He’s the one who convinced my dad to leave the cult he joined.

*Shot of Sam Winchester from far away talking to people. Early thirties, taller than the Sears Tower, looks like he could kill you but probably won’t.*

Claire: And that’s Sam. I called him Uncle Sam as a joke once and he actually choked up about it, so now I have to call him uncle Sam all the time. So yeah that’s these guys. They’re usually not that busy, so lets see if we can do some active scientific research on modern day police adjacent private investigators.

*Shot of Castiel James Novak sitting at a desk. Mid forties, suburban dad look but with a trench coat, is either super sarcastic or takes every joke literally. I can’t tell. Claire refuses to tell me.*

Claire: Hey, dad! Dad, are you busy?

Castiel: Well… [glances at computer] I’m sure I can do it later. What did you need? Is that a camera?

Claire: I’ve got a project for school. I’m supposed to introduce my classmates to my family. It’s like a holiday project. Just talk to the camera. Introduce yourself.

Castiel: Ah… well… I’m Claire’s dad. I work here. I like to read and write. My favorite animal is the bee, and I am involved in several activist groups-

*A wild Dean Winchester appears.*

Dean: Hey, Cas. Claire. What’s up? [looks at camera] Is this for like a dating site or something? Because you only ever meet crazy people online. Just ask Sam, he went on a date a couple of years back with this girl Becky, and she asked him to get married like, right off the bat. Seriously buddy, you can’t trust everything you see on the internet.

Castiel: Claire has a school project. [pauses] Aren’t you on a dating site? What makes me incapable of being able to navigate one?

*Dean looks vaguely uncomfortable. Claire takes pity on him and distracts from the question.*

Claire: Hey Dean, why don’t you introduce yourself to my classmates.

Dean: Well… my name’s Dean Winchester. I’m an aquarius. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, solving crimes, and frisky women.

*Castiel leaves in annoyance. Dean watches him leave with a confused expression on his face.*

Dean: [to Claire] What’s his problem?

*Shot of just Claire again. She’s in the bathroom. Gross.*

Claire: Yeah, so that about sums that up. I’m pretty sure my dad high key has a crush on this guy. Or something. Either Dean is an idiot, or he’s ignoring it. The world may never know.

*Shot of Dean and Sam.*

Dean: Hey Sam, Claire has a project. You need to talk to a camera for a second.

Sam: Oh cool. What kind of project?

Claire: The ‘screw my teacher for giving me homework over break kind.’ Just say hi so I can go home.

Sam: Well… okay? Hi.

*More awkward pauses. Enjoy the awkward.*

Claire: Is that all you have to say?

Sam: [considers what else he should say] The children are the future?

*Claire turns the camera so it’s facing her. Her expression most closely says “You see what I have to deal with.” All other interpretations are invalid, as only Alex Mills is well versed in translating Claire Novak, as evidenced by this transcript.*

Claire: So I’m not going home, because my mom probably left for work. Again. Instead, I’m headed over to where I spend the majority of my time.

*Shot of Sheriff Jody Mills washing dishes. She looks annoyed, probably because someone is filming her washing dishes. Is awesome, by the way. In case you were wondering.*

Claire: So this is Jody. She’s Alex’s mom. Adopted mom. Whatever, same difference. She lives here with Donna who’s at work right now keeping the city safe or something. Jody and Donna have opposite shift schedules a lot so someone is always home with Alex. They’ve been together like… ten years? But they only got married like two years ago. Go equality.

*Brief shot of Donna Hanscum from much later in the day. She was tired so no hello, but you’ll see her later. Cuts back to shot with Jody.*

Claire: Jody, say hi to the camera.

Jody: Do I have to?

Claire: I’m supposed to be introducing my classmates to my family. You’re my in case of emergency mom, so yeah, you have to say hi.

Jody: [smiles briefly] Well in that case… hiya everyone! As you can see, I have the glamorous job of being a mom and an in case of emergency mom to two growing girls who never do the dishes.

*Commentary from the editor: This is untrue. I did the dishes two days ago.*

Jody: Also a sheriff, so don’t do anything illegal, got it?

Claire: I’m going to go see Alex now.

Jody: Alright, alright. Let me know if you need any help.

*Here comes the good part. Shot of Alex Mills. Seventeen. Radiant. The definition of cool.*

Claire: So this is Alex. She’s pretty much my best friend. Say hi.

Alex: Why do you have a camera?

Claire: School project. I have to introduce my class to my family and… you’re sort of family. So say hi.

Alex: Aww…

Claire: Just say hi to the stupid camera.

Alex: What I’m supposed to ignore all those sweet things you just said about me? I didn’t know I was your best friend. You almost make it sound like you care about me.

Claire: You know what? Meet my arch nemesis Alex Mills. She’s a monster and mean and we aren’t filming her anymore.

*Claire got embarrassed that she was nice to me and that’s why I’m not in most of this video. I searched for myself, I really did, but she’s actually pretty good about where to point the camera. Sorry that my beautiful face isn’t in most of the rest of this.*

Claire: Jokes aside, Alex… she really is my best friend. Neither of us really had the best childhood and… it helped having someone to talk to. So… yeah. Moving on.

*Shot of a Christmas tree. It is undecorated. Shot of Christmas dinner with Amelia Novak in frame. Camera pans to show that Castiel Novak is also there.*

Claire: So on Christmas Eve my mom and dad and I have family time. Also known as the most awkward dinner ever. After this we all open presents with each other. My dad got me a stuffed cat this year. My mom got me an abstinence ring. If that doesn’t describe their personalities to a tee, I don’t know what does.

*Shot of Castiel looking bemused.*

Claire: I got him a new tie. He asked me what was wrong with his old one. At least mom liked the book by Carver Edlund I got her. Oh no wait. She hated it and asked me if I was a devil worshipper now. Thanks for the suggestion, by the way, Ms. Rosen. That didn’t set my relationship with my mom back a couple of years at all.

*Shot of living room of Mills house. Winchesters, Novaks, and Mills are all present. New additions include Eileen Leahy. No one knows what she does, but I suspect she’s a spy. Or something else badass. Is Sam’s girlfriend. Also Mary Winchester and Mildred Baker. Total GILFs. Also some British guy named Balthazar that Castiel met on one of his yoga retreats.*

Claire: So this is the chaos that is Christmas day. That’s Mary and Mildred there. They like to travel together now that they’re both retired. Mary used to be a cop and Mildred was like a traveling performer. If I can ever convince my mom to let me do something fun, they promised to take me and Alex to Spain and France and Italy… so major points for them.

*Shot of British guy and Castiel talking. Camera pans to Dean watching them.*

Claire: Dean Winchester is playing his annual Christmas game of “Is this person someone Castiel is dating or just a friend?”

*Shot of Dean Winchester drinking.*

Claire: I think he decided on dating. I’m going to place my bets on friend considering the fact that Balthazar’s spent more time flirting with Mildred than he has with my dad.

*Shot of Balthazar speaking with Mildred. Mildred looks charmed. It’s probably the accent.*

*Shot of Eileen and Sam speaking with Mary. Camera closes in as Claire walks closer.*

Claire: Eileen. We haven’t talked to you yet. Sign something for me? I’ll put in subtitles for you.

*Eileen signs at the camera. I don’t know ASL. Going to Claire for help.*

*Okay apparently she said: Hello Claire’s classmates. You’re lucky to have such an incisive and wonderful girl like Claire among you.*

*I think Claire lied about this. Eileen’s much funnier than that.*

*Shot of Amelia Novak and Dean Winchester both drinking more alcohol. Claire’s voiceover.*

Claire: Nothing says Christmas like burying your feelings in alcohol.

*Shot of Jody.*

Jody: If you’re eating, eat now. Claire put the camera down.

Claire: I’m trying to get authenticity. I’m an artist.

*Jody makes a face. My personal translation: “Your bullshit doesn’t work on me. May I remind you that I have Alex as a daughter.”*

Donna: Oh let her keep it on, Jodes. I think it’s nice that she’d getting so into this project. Nothing wrong with a few family memories to look over down the road.

*Jody relents. But only because it’s Donna. I still edited out most of this dinner because talk about snooze fest. Let’s skip to the fun part.*

Mary: So Sam… are you and Eileen planning on settling down any time soon?

Sam: [irritated] Mom.

Mary: What? I’m just wondering. It’s not like Dean is seeing anyone I can bug him about.

Eileen: We haven’t really been thinking that far.

Mary: Okay, it’s none of my business. Just if it’s gonna happen, get married before I die. I’d like to be there.

Sam: Mom!

Dean: C’mon, don’t talk like that. It’s Christmas.

*Brief pause.*

Dean: But you and Eileen totally should get married.

Sam: Oh, shut up. You know what, maybe I’ll propose when you finally grow a pair and-

*Everyone waits for Sam to finish his sentence. He doesn’t. Have I mentioned there’s a lot of awkward silence in this video. Well there is.*

Donna: [breaking the tension] So I love the chicken Jodes. No one makes it like you.

Dean: Oh yeah. Thank you Jody. You’re my favorite cook.

Amelia: Claire, what do you say?

Claire: Thanks Jody.

Alex: [mutters] I’m a vegetarian.

Jody: What? Since when?

Alex: Since this morning.

Jody: Really?

Donna: She’s just experimenting with new things. She can be a vegetarian if she wants to.

Jody: She’s just saying that to be annoying, Donna.

Alex: Why is everything I do annoying?

*Incoherent arguing breaks out at all sides. Dean and Sam resume their argument. Claire’s mom and dad pick a fight. Mary tries to break into her sons’ argument. Mildred and Balthazar exchange nonplussed glances. Eileen takes advantage of the bickering to take another piece of chicken.*

Donna: Holy smokes, everyone! It’s Christmas! You know? Peace among men and love and kindness. Now put away whatever’s jittered your jimmies and enjoy it. This is a nice family meal, so for a few minutes maybe y’all should act like it. Or so help me I will give each of you a serious talking to.

*Brief silence.*

Balthazar: I honestly just came here for the food.

*Cuts to later at night. Everyone has opened presents. Claire regifted her mom’s book to me, along with tickets to Radiohead. She’s lucky I like her gifts or I might have included the shot where she accidentally did a close up where you can see up her nose.*

*Shot of Eileen and Sam sitting on the couch. Shot of Amelia, Mary, Mildred, Donna, and Jody playing a trivia drinking game. Shot of me, finally. I wave. Shot of Balthazar and Castiel talking. Dean walks up.*

Dean: So… what are you two talking about?

Balthazar: Well, actually-

Dean: Never mind. Don’t care. Cas, can we talk?

*Starts to drag Castiel away, leaving a confused Balthazar behind them.*

Claire: Should we follow them?

Alex: As a fellow scientist, I think it would be irresponsible not to.

Claire: Fair enough.

*We shot this from around the corner. Sorry for the shaky cam.*

Castiel: Why are you always so rude to my friends?

Dean: Why do you have so many ‘friends’ Cas?

Castiel: I’m not seeing him! And why do you care so much about my love life anyway? Just because I’ve made poor decisions in the past-

Dean: You joined a fucking cult. I think that goes past bad decisions by just a-

Castiel: Doesn’t mean you get to decide everything for me. Even if I was dating Balthazar, which I’m not, what would be so wrong about that?

Dean: [accusing] So you do like him.

*I think Castiel almost lost it right about here. Adding this for editor commentary.*

Castiel: Do you enjoy frustrating me? Or is it really on accident?

Dean: I just think you could do better than some stupid British stupid person.

Castiel: Alright, you win. Who exactly should I be dating. You obviously don’t trust me to decide for myself. So why don’t you make it easier on both of us and just tell me.

*Dean is too drunk for this argument, let’s be real.*

Dean: What?

Castiel: I’m waiting. Who exactly is it that I should be seeing?

Dean: I don’t know.

Castiel: Just not anyone you think I’m interested in.

Dean: Yeah. No. I don’t know.

*Now they’re just like staring at each other. Only keeping this part in for Claire’s comments.*

Claire: They get into this argument all the time. About everything. Like if Cas wants a new stapler and buys it without asking Dean he gets mad. I’m not kidding. Ask Dean why Cas shouldn’t be allowed to buy staplers. It’s a whole thing. Apparently it jams 2.5% more than Dean’s stapler.

*Claire misses the part where her dad starts making out with Dean because she’s busy rambling.*

Claire: How exactly he found that out… yeah, I haven’t asked.

*I notice it first.*

Alex: Claire…

Claire: And don’t get me started on music. My dad got into dubstep, and Dean legitimately wouldn’t talk to him for a whole week.

Alex: [hissing] Claire!

*Claire finally gets a clue. And drops the camera. She picks it up and we flee.*

Claire: Well… that was new.

*Cuts to later with Claire and Amelia Novak back at home.*

Amelia: Don’t you have enough footage for your project yet?

Claire: I guess.

Amelia: Good. I was thinking we watch a movie. Relax after… whatever that dinner was.

Claire: Yeah… sure mom. Whatever you want.

*Late at night, just Claire.*

Claire: I think my mom took it well, everything considered. To be fair, tonight’s revelations were shocking to no one.

*Apology for this jump cut but rambling Claire is ramble-y. And this is long enough as it is.*

Claire: So yeah… that’s pretty much what it’s like to be me. Let the jealousy sink in slowly.

*Pauses.*

Claire: I mean I guess it’s not so bad. My mom… well she’s strict but she’s doing the best she can for me. And my dad’s trying to make up for when he wasn't there. And Dean and Sam can be okay sometimes. And Jody and Donna are actually pretty awesome, you know when they aren’t on my case about something.

*Pause for effect.*

Claire: Alex could be worse.

*Don’t listen to her. I’m the best.*

Claire: So that’s my family. Hope this was creative enough for you Ms. Rosen. And uh… happy holidays everyone. See you next year.

*The End.*

*Editor Commentary: No duh it’s the end. Claire made me put that in. I was going to freeze frame it on her face and then fade out to We Are Family, but apparently that was dumb.*

 

 

Rebecca Rosen’s notes:

Claire, this was… very creative.

It was a bit more effort than I intended everyone put into this but you get an A for initiative.

Also… sometimes love strikes you at first sight and proposing on the first date isn’t that weird-

What I mean to say is good job. Keep up the good work, and tell Alex that I found her transcript very interesting reading.


End file.
